FET #2 (Cycle 11): Beta #6 = 2122.3

It's interesting, my entire TTC journey has not gone AT ALL how I pictured it. I thought that once I received a beautiful two line POSITIVE pregnancy test that I would just be over the moon and excited. And yes, I was and am, excited... at the possibilities of IF everything goes well. Instead of a "YES, I'm finally pregnant!! WOOHOO!" reaction, I've had a very cautious - stressful - and uncertain few weeks.

I received my first positive pregnancy test that was "clear" on 9/29/16, not a squinter. My reaction? I couldn't believe it... is this really happening? Then, I had beta #1 on 9/30/16 and got a 30 HCG level.

Since I've been "around" for a while with TTC and have read many blogs and read through many forums, I knew that 30 was extremely low. Instead of the excitement I had hoped for, I've been living in a sort of trepidation that this hope of IF was going to turn out badly.

I know what everyone says... "Just enjoy it for now," "Worry when you have to worry," "Think positive." Yeah yeah, nothing I haven't told myself already!

Here's the thing, I've suffered from infertility and it's been a struggle, a complete and utter struggle, just to keep trying to have a baby. Every time I've been excited or happy at the IF possibilities, nothing came from it. I can't even explain the depth of my fear of being happy about this pregnancy that once I think "this is it" that it'll be taken away.

I feel like things are still so uncertain...

I will say that I'm extremely happy that my beta's have been doubling pretty steadily. I have "beta envy" for those that have strong betas early on. Suffering through blood draw to blood draw has been excruciating. I just feel like I can't relax. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm scared I'll see blood. Every time I get a cramp, I worry that the pregnancy is over. Every time my boobs hurt a little less, I worry that it's a bad sign.

Yet through all the worry, the anxiety, the fear... I am pregnant! It feels so weird saying that out loud and typing it here.

Beta #6 came back today = 2122.3! This is really good and shows consistent doubling time. Numbers all together from Beta Base:

I am so happy that my number finally got about 1500, which means I could schedule an ultrasound. Originally the nurse wanted to schedule for Monday, which would be 6 weeks (w) and 2 days (d). There is more of a chance to see the baby and the heartbeat at 6 weeks. The issue is, my work schedule is chaotic next week with a deadline and other work commitments that I wouldn't be able to manage getting in until maybe Wednesday - an entire week from today!! Ugh. So I asked if she could get me in this Friday instead. She was hesitant because I'll be on the "cusp" of being able to see something or nothing. On Friday, I would be considered 5w + 6d. The only thing they should "for sure" see is the gestational sac and maybe the yolk sac. If I'm lucky, we would be able to see the baby and a heartbeat. But it's early, so she told me not to be disappointed if we don't see anything more than the gestational sac. 

They'll also be able to confirm that everything is where it should be, as far as where the baby implanted - making sure the baby is in my uterus. Also, to check how many implanted. I'm guessing with my low numbers that only one embryo implanted. But you never know. It'll be nice to confirm if there's one or two. 

I'm feeling excited... anxious... nervous... worried... STILL! Ugh. But with each step going in the right direction, I'm starting to slowly feel better about things. The ultrasound will be a big step and hopefully give me some comfort that there is indeed a baby in there! 

Next Steps: 

• 10/14/16: Early Ultrasound at 5w+6d. 

Click the hyperlink for more details on FET #2, IVF Cycles, or TTC journey.