20w+6d: Update and OB Monthly Follow-Up

The last few days were a little out of the ordinary for me... I've only told 3 people IRL about having to go to the hospital for my bleed (my mom, my son's godmother, and my friend that works at the hospital I was at). I don't know why I don't want to tell anyone... I guess it's because this pregnancy has been riddled with just some scary stuff and I've found that although people are supportive and all -- they don't know what to say to me when something bad happens. If that makes any sense? I guess none of their words really help either, it makes them feel uncomfortable (at times), and I HATE getting any type of sympathy. The "I'm so sorry" words kinda suck...  I even hate more, "Don't worry about it" comments. I get it though, I always have a hard time with the right words when I speak to my friends and they're going through difficult times. I suppose I just didn't want to deal with that dynamic right now.

I have to say... it was weird because life resumed just like normal the next day. I worked from home the rest of the work week, my form of "rest" I guess. But although I worked from home, I've felt utterly exhausted. Just so drained and tired... I even let myself nap in the afternoon before I pick up my son from preschool and even with an hour nap -- I wake up so groggy and feel even more tired and drained -- like I didn't get replenished at all. Even when I sleep at night -- I wake up like I haven't slept at all. 

The day after the hospital visit, I cried a lot. That's one reason I worked from home, my eyes were so swollen... I didn't want the questions and wasn't sure I would be able to hold back tears if I went into the office. 

What I want to be thinking about right now is: picking out furniture for my new baby, thinking about prenatal classes I want to attend, reading books on breast feeding, learning about giving birth, making sure I have all the "need" essentials for baby boy, and going through my son's old clothes/blankets to see what will work for the baby. 

I have to admit... It's hard to move forward this time. It feels like such a set-back mentally. It took me a long time in my pregnancy to deal with some of the scares and to feel really comfortable planning. I know I need to find a way to move forward and get my mind back in a calm/peaceful place. I feel like I just need an entire day to just SLEEP and just BE... without any responsibility... so I can come back into myself and deal better with this. Not really possible for me right now.

It's hard to explain just how dramatic the emotions can be living through it. One minute, I'm elated that baby boy looks good. Next minute, I get some big scare that some thing's wrong with the baby. All the highs and lows, constant ups and downs, worry to worry, good to bad. It's literally a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm up or down. If I'm over worried or not worried enough. If I should plan or wait to plan. I'm just so tired... 

I'm not 100% OK yet and I'm not sure I will be. I'm trying though... 

OB Appointment 

I was so worried for my OB appointment because I was so scared that my baby boy wouldn't have a heartbeat. I'm back there again to that place where I'm worried at every turn... I think I started getting comfortable with the idea that baby boy was going to be just fine, so this bleed just put me off balance.

All was well at my appointment.

Weight: -4 lbs (with boots and clothes all on)
Blood pressure: really good
Fetal Heart Tones: 145 bpm

My OB was surprised that they didn't give me an ultrasound or check my cervix when I went to the hospital. They didn't have an ultrasound tech on-site today, so they weren't able to give me an ultrasound. She did check my cervix and it's closed. Can I say, getting your cervix checked is highly uncomfortable... Since I am still spotting, she checked in my vagina and said that all that is there is some old discharge, no new blood or anything.

My OB is so weird... I asked her how much I should worry about the bleed and under what circumstances should I go back to the hospital if I have another bleed. Her answers were basically, "it depends" but more leaned towards "better safe than sorry." So, I'm taking that as -- go to the hospital.

I tried asking my OB about birthing classes and stuff, but she's all "don't worry about that until third trimester." I tried to explain that classes fill up pretty quickly, but she didn't want to talk to me about it at all.  Which I didn't like really.

I'm still very congested with coughing/runny or stuffy nose and a lot of mucous. She was surprised I still had cold symptoms and asked me if I was taking allergy medicine. I told her it didn't help (because it didn't), but she didn't offer to give me anything for it. Hopefully it'll pass soon... going on 2 weeks of feeling like crap.

Next appointment with the OB is in 4 weeks. I'll get the ultrasound at my MFM next Tuesday...

For now, all seems well with baby boy. My spotting has gone down significantly. I'm to stay on pelvic rest for now. Trying to take one day at a time...