Reactions to my Pregnancy
I've been meaning to write an update on how everyone has reacted to my pregnancy so far. I mentioned a little bit in my last blog entry, but more has happened since then.
When I told my dad and older brother I was pregnant, I didn't really get a reaction from them -- which I expected. I could tell my brother was a little bothered by my use of donor sperm. He asked a few questions about it, but didn't give his opinion on it. In a way, I'm happy he didn't. On the other hand, I wish he did. I share my ultrasound pictures with him and he seems a bit fascinated with them. Maybe he'll say something later on, maybe he won't. Guess time will tell.
I was surprised to hear that my dad had a very strong reaction to me being pregnant. A very NEGATIVE reaction. He basically (not to my face) said that I was "stupid for getting pregnant by myself" and that it was a "stupid choice."
At first I was pretty angry about what he said... well, hormonal pregnant me was more sad about what he said. Not because he said it, but the fact that he didn't have enough courage to say it to my face. But what bothered me more than the "stupid" comments is that he said he doesn't care to be a grandfather and doesn't care for grandkids.
That's where I kinda hit the pause button.
My dad has never been a kid-friendly guy. He doesn't like kids. He raised my older brother and me on his own and I have some trauma from my childhood from it. But I never expected him to say he doesn't care for grandkids.
I feel sorry for my dad. I really do. He had a really hard life and considering where he came from, he's really turned his life around and on the outside -- I would think he was "successful" to be where he's at today compared to where he started out in life. But at the same time, he's a recluse. He always said he cares about family, but his actions never really matched those words. Now, he doesn't really care about anything but doing what he wants to do.
Anyways. I had a choice on how I would deal with it. I considered cutting him out of my life all together... But in reality, I only see him once a year maybe? And when we do see him, it's not for a long period of time. My dad doesn't take care of himself and I don't think he has many years left here. So, I decided I'm going to just act how I've been acting and let him think/say what he wants to. He doesn't have enough courage to say it to my face anyways.
He doesn't treat my son poorly when we see him. So, I don't think my dad's aversion to grandkids is going to impact my son or the new baby. If the interaction did impact my kids, I would be making a totally different choice.
For now, I grin and bear it. He doesn't know that I know what he said or how he feels and I don't intend to confront him over it. In part, I don't really care all that much his opinions of my life choices. The other part, I don't think it would make a difference confronting him either way. There would be no benefit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... as sad as it sounds. When I had my falling out with my dad in 2010 and he stopped talking to me for the next 5 years, it was hard at first. But once I got over the hurt and loss of having him in my life -- my life started to change for the better. He was no longer this negative fixture in my life saying hateful things to me, bringing me down, judging me, fighting with me over every single thing. I was and I am better without him.
Of course I wish things could be "different." I wish he could see how wonderful life can be if he let himself be happy. But I think I'm at a point in my life where "wishing" has run its course and reality has set in. My dad is never going to change. His comments on my "stupidity" just goes to show it.
We'll continue to see him maybe once a year, we'll send Christmas cards/gift, we'll send birthday cards. But that's about it. I'm not expecting anything from him other than showing up at our once a year dinner of niceties.
Which is so weird in a way... I never thought that my relationship with my dad would turn out this way. Although our father-daughter relationship was always dysfunctional, we were still very close and talked every day prior to our falling out in 2010. I know my dad misses me, I can tell from his interaction with me at my last visit. But it's like he doesn't know how to just be normal or something.
I am grateful to my dad in a lot of ways. I know he sacrificed a lot to be a single dad to two small kids -- when single dads were an anomaly. But where we both are in life -- I think my family is better off keeping our distance. I don't think that's better for my dad, because I truly think he's missing out on the awesomeness of my son and soon, my baby boy. We all make our own life choices though...
I don't think my dad's opinions are really a reflection on me or my boys. I think it's a reflection on his life and his choices.
Just to round out this post. One interesting reaction from a friend was, "are you adopting again?" Hmm. I thought that was weird because on my announcement card I had a picture of an ultrasound and of my son kissing my tummy. LOL. A few others wanted the details on "who" the father was. Other than that, the big telling has been uneventful thus far. I guess I was truly worried over nothing. Everyone now knows I'm pregnant and hopefully I'll start "looking" pregnant!
If anything else comes up strange or odd, I'll be sure to write about it.
When I told my dad and older brother I was pregnant, I didn't really get a reaction from them -- which I expected. I could tell my brother was a little bothered by my use of donor sperm. He asked a few questions about it, but didn't give his opinion on it. In a way, I'm happy he didn't. On the other hand, I wish he did. I share my ultrasound pictures with him and he seems a bit fascinated with them. Maybe he'll say something later on, maybe he won't. Guess time will tell.
I was surprised to hear that my dad had a very strong reaction to me being pregnant. A very NEGATIVE reaction. He basically (not to my face) said that I was "stupid for getting pregnant by myself" and that it was a "stupid choice."
At first I was pretty angry about what he said... well, hormonal pregnant me was more sad about what he said. Not because he said it, but the fact that he didn't have enough courage to say it to my face. But what bothered me more than the "stupid" comments is that he said he doesn't care to be a grandfather and doesn't care for grandkids.
That's where I kinda hit the pause button.
My dad has never been a kid-friendly guy. He doesn't like kids. He raised my older brother and me on his own and I have some trauma from my childhood from it. But I never expected him to say he doesn't care for grandkids.
I feel sorry for my dad. I really do. He had a really hard life and considering where he came from, he's really turned his life around and on the outside -- I would think he was "successful" to be where he's at today compared to where he started out in life. But at the same time, he's a recluse. He always said he cares about family, but his actions never really matched those words. Now, he doesn't really care about anything but doing what he wants to do.
Anyways. I had a choice on how I would deal with it. I considered cutting him out of my life all together... But in reality, I only see him once a year maybe? And when we do see him, it's not for a long period of time. My dad doesn't take care of himself and I don't think he has many years left here. So, I decided I'm going to just act how I've been acting and let him think/say what he wants to. He doesn't have enough courage to say it to my face anyways.
He doesn't treat my son poorly when we see him. So, I don't think my dad's aversion to grandkids is going to impact my son or the new baby. If the interaction did impact my kids, I would be making a totally different choice.
For now, I grin and bear it. He doesn't know that I know what he said or how he feels and I don't intend to confront him over it. In part, I don't really care all that much his opinions of my life choices. The other part, I don't think it would make a difference confronting him either way. There would be no benefit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... as sad as it sounds. When I had my falling out with my dad in 2010 and he stopped talking to me for the next 5 years, it was hard at first. But once I got over the hurt and loss of having him in my life -- my life started to change for the better. He was no longer this negative fixture in my life saying hateful things to me, bringing me down, judging me, fighting with me over every single thing. I was and I am better without him.
Of course I wish things could be "different." I wish he could see how wonderful life can be if he let himself be happy. But I think I'm at a point in my life where "wishing" has run its course and reality has set in. My dad is never going to change. His comments on my "stupidity" just goes to show it.
We'll continue to see him maybe once a year, we'll send Christmas cards/gift, we'll send birthday cards. But that's about it. I'm not expecting anything from him other than showing up at our once a year dinner of niceties.
Which is so weird in a way... I never thought that my relationship with my dad would turn out this way. Although our father-daughter relationship was always dysfunctional, we were still very close and talked every day prior to our falling out in 2010. I know my dad misses me, I can tell from his interaction with me at my last visit. But it's like he doesn't know how to just be normal or something.
I am grateful to my dad in a lot of ways. I know he sacrificed a lot to be a single dad to two small kids -- when single dads were an anomaly. But where we both are in life -- I think my family is better off keeping our distance. I don't think that's better for my dad, because I truly think he's missing out on the awesomeness of my son and soon, my baby boy. We all make our own life choices though...
I don't think my dad's opinions are really a reflection on me or my boys. I think it's a reflection on his life and his choices.
Just to round out this post. One interesting reaction from a friend was, "are you adopting again?" Hmm. I thought that was weird because on my announcement card I had a picture of an ultrasound and of my son kissing my tummy. LOL. A few others wanted the details on "who" the father was. Other than that, the big telling has been uneventful thus far. I guess I was truly worried over nothing. Everyone now knows I'm pregnant and hopefully I'll start "looking" pregnant!
If anything else comes up strange or odd, I'll be sure to write about it.
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