New Family Dynamics
One wonderful thing that has happened since I have gotten pregnant is that I have reconnected with my mom and my little brother. I posted about it in December (click here). I haven't had much time to write about it because of all the other "life" stuff going on.
But long story short, I hadn't been in contact with my mom and my little brother for nearly 8 years. Very long and complicated family drama story. I didn't grow up with my mom, my dad raised my older brother and me and my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My little brother is my half-brother (we have different dads), so we didn't really grow up together.
I always had a rocky relationship with my mom. We were just so different. I think we both tried in our own ways, but cultural differences and just not really knowing one another -- we were never able to get a long for long periods of time and were never able to bridge the gaps between us.
My mom has always wanted to be a grandma and had been mentioning it to my older brother for years (assuming he would be the first to have kids -- which he hasn't yet). Well, since she was out of contact with me for the last 8 years -- she had no clue that I adopted my son until she learned about it over Thanksgiving. Her fault really... since she was completely out of contact for the 8 years and we had no way to get ahold of her.
When we met up for the first time, I was a little overwhelmed because my mom all of a sudden was inviting herself to visit for Christmas and to the birth of my baby. I wasn't sure how committed she was going to be to actually following through with any of this, but so far she has.
My mom and little brother came out for a few days around Christmas. It was really nice having them here. It's been so long since I've felt like I had "family" that it was a little shock to my system. It was so very nice having them here and spending time with them, that when they left I was pretty sad. I didn't realize how different it was to have "family" around, since I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a family. It was also so fun having them get to know my son and my son getting to know them.
Now, the plan is for my mom to come out for the baby's birth. At first, I wasn't sure I really wanted her to be there... honestly though, the thought didn't "bother" me really. The fact that my mom WANTS to be there and WANTS to be a grandma and WANTS to be around my kids -- makes me happy. So far, she's been really great and supportive.
I do have a few issues with my mom and all of these sudden changes. 1) All the sudden "mom advice" I'm receiving and 2) Her making plans without checking with me first.
#1: Mom Advice.
As I mentioned, I haven't had the best relationship with my mom. Most of my life she wasn't there to give me any sage motherly advice. Now, all of a sudden I'm in my late 30's and pregnant for the first time, my mom is back in my life and she wants to give me all this "advice." Which is nice and all, if we had that sort of relationship, but we don't... I'm not used to being mothered. As I mentioned, my mom wasn't there when I was growing up. So, it's a little hard for me to take her advice in stride.
Some of her stuff are silly things -- very superstitious things -- due to her cultural background. I find most of it funny. But with being pregnant, the constant advice and non-medically-based advice at that --- gets extremely annoying. Especially since I've had a hard pregnancy and I understand my high risk factors. I get irritated pretty easily with it. I'm trying not to, but I'm just not as patient as I used to be. For example, she writes off almost everything my MFM says and has her own interpretation of things. She also has these far off theories on why I had my bleeding episodes and how the Insulin impacts the baby. She also has a very strong opinion on if the baby gets circumcised. All great I guess, but I've already made my decisions on things and I don't like that she tries to change my mind. Which I suppose most mothers try to do? I wouldn't know since I've never really had a mother around...
#2: Making Plans
I'm a big planner and like to be as prepared as I can be in any given circumstance. It's how I've always been since I was a kid. I plan and plan and plan. I love check-lists, I love to calendarize, I love to be prepared. As a parent, I've learned to roll with the punches as much as I can. So, when I got pregnant -- I already had made plans for the birth. Who would be there, who would take me to the hospital, who would take care of my son, who would take care of my dog, etc. Basic things were taken care of. Of course this was before I reconnected with my mom.
Now, my mom keeps making these plans -- without talking to me first. I know she means well and all. I don't think she means to stress me out about it. But she invited my little brother to come visit when the baby is born so he could help with my son. Ok... I can deal with one other guest and it would be more convenient to have my son be home vs going to stay with someone. Plus, I get along really well with my little brother -- not to mention my son just adores him to pieces.
Then, my mom mentioned that my big brother and his girlfriend were going to also come. Like what? I've mentioned my older brother a few times in my blog, but he's not the most reliable. He's also let me down a bunch of times over the years. The times I've talked about him coming to visit, he actually had excuses why he wouldn't or couldn't come. So, I was surprised to hear this from my mom. In hindsight, I wonder if my mom is just being hopeful that my big brother will "come around" or something?
I only have a 3 bedroom house, so fitting in 4 extra people plus a new baby -- is a bit of tight fit. They'd all be on air mattresses and sleeping in my loft or living room, since the bedrooms are taken. Do-able, yes... But stressful for me, yes...
My mom has also invited herself to stay at my house over the holidays for 2 months to spend the baby's first holidays with us. Great in theory... and great she wants to come visit... but again, didn't ask - just assumed it would be ok. So now I have to reconsider our annual visit to California -- which we normally take during November or December. Little things it seems, but major changes for me.
I will say that --> I'm not making a big deal about any of this to my mom. She wants to be there and I'm grateful for that. She's missed a lot out of my life and I'm extremely happy that she's committed to being a grandma to my children. It's just a huge adjustment for me since I'm so used to doing things on my own and I'm used to people arranging visits with me first before making plans.
So it's an interesting time for me. I'm learning to have a mom in my life and having more of a "family" feel with my mom and little brother. But it also just puts me in a weird mental place because I've come to terms with our family drama and have moved on without them. Now, they're back all of a sudden. Not to mention that the "family drama" that's happened over the years was mainly my mom's doing. She hasn't been the most stable person. So far she hasn't brought any "drama" into our lives, she just wants to be there and I completely understand that. I just don't know how long the no-drama thing will last. Maybe it will? Maybe it won't? I guess I'm a little worried that it'll all go to crap again and my kids will be impacted... I'm also not used to relying on anyone and it's hard for me to let that go.
A lot of adjustments for me to make... not to mention all the other stuff with the high risk pregnancy, the anxiety, the antenatal depression. I won't even go into normal "life" things on top of all that. It sometimes just feels like a lot is riding on my shoulders.
Overall, I'm grateful for this change in my family and hopeful that it's leading us to build a good strong family structure for my boys.
I thought this was funny and it kinda sorta fits my family right now! :)
But long story short, I hadn't been in contact with my mom and my little brother for nearly 8 years. Very long and complicated family drama story. I didn't grow up with my mom, my dad raised my older brother and me and my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My little brother is my half-brother (we have different dads), so we didn't really grow up together.
I always had a rocky relationship with my mom. We were just so different. I think we both tried in our own ways, but cultural differences and just not really knowing one another -- we were never able to get a long for long periods of time and were never able to bridge the gaps between us.
My mom has always wanted to be a grandma and had been mentioning it to my older brother for years (assuming he would be the first to have kids -- which he hasn't yet). Well, since she was out of contact with me for the last 8 years -- she had no clue that I adopted my son until she learned about it over Thanksgiving. Her fault really... since she was completely out of contact for the 8 years and we had no way to get ahold of her.
When we met up for the first time, I was a little overwhelmed because my mom all of a sudden was inviting herself to visit for Christmas and to the birth of my baby. I wasn't sure how committed she was going to be to actually following through with any of this, but so far she has.
My mom and little brother came out for a few days around Christmas. It was really nice having them here. It's been so long since I've felt like I had "family" that it was a little shock to my system. It was so very nice having them here and spending time with them, that when they left I was pretty sad. I didn't realize how different it was to have "family" around, since I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a family. It was also so fun having them get to know my son and my son getting to know them.
Now, the plan is for my mom to come out for the baby's birth. At first, I wasn't sure I really wanted her to be there... honestly though, the thought didn't "bother" me really. The fact that my mom WANTS to be there and WANTS to be a grandma and WANTS to be around my kids -- makes me happy. So far, she's been really great and supportive.
I do have a few issues with my mom and all of these sudden changes. 1) All the sudden "mom advice" I'm receiving and 2) Her making plans without checking with me first.
#1: Mom Advice.
As I mentioned, I haven't had the best relationship with my mom. Most of my life she wasn't there to give me any sage motherly advice. Now, all of a sudden I'm in my late 30's and pregnant for the first time, my mom is back in my life and she wants to give me all this "advice." Which is nice and all, if we had that sort of relationship, but we don't... I'm not used to being mothered. As I mentioned, my mom wasn't there when I was growing up. So, it's a little hard for me to take her advice in stride.
Some of her stuff are silly things -- very superstitious things -- due to her cultural background. I find most of it funny. But with being pregnant, the constant advice and non-medically-based advice at that --- gets extremely annoying. Especially since I've had a hard pregnancy and I understand my high risk factors. I get irritated pretty easily with it. I'm trying not to, but I'm just not as patient as I used to be. For example, she writes off almost everything my MFM says and has her own interpretation of things. She also has these far off theories on why I had my bleeding episodes and how the Insulin impacts the baby. She also has a very strong opinion on if the baby gets circumcised. All great I guess, but I've already made my decisions on things and I don't like that she tries to change my mind. Which I suppose most mothers try to do? I wouldn't know since I've never really had a mother around...
#2: Making Plans
I'm a big planner and like to be as prepared as I can be in any given circumstance. It's how I've always been since I was a kid. I plan and plan and plan. I love check-lists, I love to calendarize, I love to be prepared. As a parent, I've learned to roll with the punches as much as I can. So, when I got pregnant -- I already had made plans for the birth. Who would be there, who would take me to the hospital, who would take care of my son, who would take care of my dog, etc. Basic things were taken care of. Of course this was before I reconnected with my mom.
Now, my mom keeps making these plans -- without talking to me first. I know she means well and all. I don't think she means to stress me out about it. But she invited my little brother to come visit when the baby is born so he could help with my son. Ok... I can deal with one other guest and it would be more convenient to have my son be home vs going to stay with someone. Plus, I get along really well with my little brother -- not to mention my son just adores him to pieces.
Then, my mom mentioned that my big brother and his girlfriend were going to also come. Like what? I've mentioned my older brother a few times in my blog, but he's not the most reliable. He's also let me down a bunch of times over the years. The times I've talked about him coming to visit, he actually had excuses why he wouldn't or couldn't come. So, I was surprised to hear this from my mom. In hindsight, I wonder if my mom is just being hopeful that my big brother will "come around" or something?
I only have a 3 bedroom house, so fitting in 4 extra people plus a new baby -- is a bit of tight fit. They'd all be on air mattresses and sleeping in my loft or living room, since the bedrooms are taken. Do-able, yes... But stressful for me, yes...
My mom has also invited herself to stay at my house over the holidays for 2 months to spend the baby's first holidays with us. Great in theory... and great she wants to come visit... but again, didn't ask - just assumed it would be ok. So now I have to reconsider our annual visit to California -- which we normally take during November or December. Little things it seems, but major changes for me.
I will say that --> I'm not making a big deal about any of this to my mom. She wants to be there and I'm grateful for that. She's missed a lot out of my life and I'm extremely happy that she's committed to being a grandma to my children. It's just a huge adjustment for me since I'm so used to doing things on my own and I'm used to people arranging visits with me first before making plans.
So it's an interesting time for me. I'm learning to have a mom in my life and having more of a "family" feel with my mom and little brother. But it also just puts me in a weird mental place because I've come to terms with our family drama and have moved on without them. Now, they're back all of a sudden. Not to mention that the "family drama" that's happened over the years was mainly my mom's doing. She hasn't been the most stable person. So far she hasn't brought any "drama" into our lives, she just wants to be there and I completely understand that. I just don't know how long the no-drama thing will last. Maybe it will? Maybe it won't? I guess I'm a little worried that it'll all go to crap again and my kids will be impacted... I'm also not used to relying on anyone and it's hard for me to let that go.
A lot of adjustments for me to make... not to mention all the other stuff with the high risk pregnancy, the anxiety, the antenatal depression. I won't even go into normal "life" things on top of all that. It sometimes just feels like a lot is riding on my shoulders.
Overall, I'm grateful for this change in my family and hopeful that it's leading us to build a good strong family structure for my boys.
I thought this was funny and it kinda sorta fits my family right now! :)
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